Miracles Still Happen

2018 didn't start out as a year of miracles. If you had told me on January 23, 2018, that I would be celebrating all of the miracles God has given me this year, I would have laughed at you.

The year started with great loss, great pain, and even greater fear. I am so thankful, though, that despite all of the darkness, a Light called Hope shone brighter than everything else around me.

The tradition of sending Christmas cards has always been one of my favorites. Not many people do it anymore, but the ones that do still get hung around the entrance way of my house. To me, a Christmas card says, "I'm ending this year positive. I have my family and friends. God has been good to me."

To me, it is more than just a simple "Wishing you a Merry Christmas"; it is a reminder that the year has been a blessed one and that there is joy ahead as well.

This year there isn't a picture in our Christmas card. There isn't a long letter telling all of the things that happened over the last 365 days. There isn't a list of achievements or struggles. It's simply signed: "Rick, Ariqua, and Liam" and that says it all.

Christmas has been called the "Season of Miracles" and I agree with that! I think every day is a season of miracles. If you open your eyes and look, there are miracles all around you.

Here are the big ones I am especially thankful for this year:
We still have Mom Gilliss because of a miracle.
Rick has a new job because of a miracle.
Liam grows within me because of a miracle.
All of my sisters (and my mom!!) were at my baby shower because of a miracle.

Then there are other things:
Every morning I wake up. That is a miracle.
I reach out and grab the hand of my husband who has loved me and supported me through thick and thin for more than 5 years. That is a miracle.
I move both our hands to my still-growing stomach, and we feel the kicks of our healthy, developing baby boy inside of me. That is a miracle.
I have the strength to stand up, start my day, go to work, and take care of my home. That is a miracle.

What a blessed year 2018 has been. The same God Who has been faithful and true through the last 365 days will continue to be faithful and true through 2019. We keep our hope in Him because He is the only Light we can hold onto.

Whatever miracles you are celebrating this year, big or small, are important. Take a moment to reflect today and to give God praise for being with you and for His incredible miracles. Then, start 2019 knowing that miracles still happen!

Joy in the Morning

“For we walk by faith and not by sight.”

If a sentence could sum up the Christian life, it would be that one. Nearly everything about living in Christ is founded on faith and not sight. Believing He created the world. Believing He really came and gave Himself for us. Believing His blood really covers our sins. Believing He loves us and is making us into new creatures every day.

It is very rare that we get to see farther down the path, closer to our destination. Most of our walk seems to be done at night with only the light around our feet for a guide. However, faith keeps us straining our eyes at the darkness, believing we see the pinpricks of stars peeking through. We can see the answer with our eyes of faith before we ever see it with our physical eyes.

I wrote a blog post about peace a couple of months ago. The focus was the miscarriage my husband and I went through after over 2 years of trying to conceive our baby. That blog post changed my life. It was incredible to hear so many people respond with “I went through that too, but was never able to say anything” or “If you can find peace in that, I know God will give me peace too.”

For a moment after I wrote that, I felt like my faith eyes were 20-20. I could see God using my pain to paint a picture of healing. I knew all would be well. About 2 weeks later though, the darkness closed in again and I was left swimming in the most intense depression I have yet faced. April was slipping by and May was coming.... and with it, Mother’s Day loomed. How are you supposed to celebrate Mother’s Day when your womb is empty and God isn’t giving you your miracle?

We attended District Conference and heard a sermon by Pastor Andrus on walking in faith by “preparing the room”. He used my favorite Bible story, the Shunamite woman and her powerful, “It shall be well.”

On the way home, Rick commented that we needed to take that phrase literally and begin to prepare our nursery. We ordered the crib, bought the crib set, and set it all up.

Seeing the room that way made me feel emptier than ever. The depression worsened, leaving me sobbing in the nursery, gripping that crib and spiraling deeper into that darkness. Satan began to whisper, “You liar. You wrote about God giving you peace, but look at you now. You have no peace. There’s only darkness in you.” In moments of grace, God would lift my head and I would cry out again, “Even if the healing never comes, He’s still a good God.”

When Mother’s Day came, I determined to make it through without anyone feeling sorry for me. “No tears,” I promised myself. I did fine until about 9 that night, and then I couldn’t do anymore. The tears fell like rivers down my face. Others had their miracle, where was mine? Why didn’t I deserve to be a mother? Why had God given me my miracle and then snatched it away from me? Why was I still empty?

I am so thankful that when I am weak, He is strong. When my faith is gone, He draws me to find solace under His wings. He bore me up that night and the depression finally broke. On the hardest weekend of my life so far, God’s grace broke through and shone brighter than ever. I slept soundly that night and dreamt of my promised little one again.

Two weeks later, on a whim, I took a pregnancy test. Double pink lines greeted me. We were pregnant. Because of what we had experienced, it wasn’t just joy that filled my heart, but also dread. “God, I can’t make it through that again. Please don’t do that to me again.” God looked past my fears and doubts and allowed faith to bloom.

Weeks slipped by, morning sickness started and worsened. Fatigue took over my body. All of the things that we had missed out on before now became the norm. Hope built up inside of me and we began to share our news with close family and friends.

Week 7 passed. Then 8. Then 9. My ultrasound was set for my first day of week 10. We pulled into the parking lot of the same place we had gone last time. The place they had told me that there was no baby in me, just an empty sac that I would soon lose. The place where everything had fallen apart.

“Don’t park over there; we parked there last time.” Everything inside of me was full of fear. What if this was just like last time? What if there was nothing again? What if this was all fake? What if God made us go through another miscarriage?

We prayed in the lot and went inside. Within moments, we were in the room and the tech was walking us through the procedure.

“How many pregnancies is this for you?”

“Two,” I answered.

“Have you delivered?”

“No, we miscarried at 6 weeks in January.” Just saying the words brought back the fears. She could hear the brokenness in my voice and made her apologies.

She brought the camera down and there was our baby. Heart pumping, hands moving, body stretching, feet kicking. Perfection.

Throughout this journey, my faith eyes have been strong and then been weak. For many of us, we go through seasons of faith, sometimes within hours of each other. The man who came to Jesus said, “I believe. Help my unbelief.” How quickly our human emotions take us from faith to doubt. I’m so thankful that God remembers our frame and that we are only dust. He loves us so fully that He doesn’t withhold His blessings until we prove we are worthy. He showers us in them to prove that He is worthy.

As you rejoice with us over the next few months, I have a request. Please take a moment to reach out to anyone that you know of who is in a dark place. Remind them that the darker the night, the brighter His glory. For it is in the moments when we are in the nursery floor, gripping an empty crib, and begging God to answer, that the promise is already inside of us. Keep turning your eyes back to Him and let Him lift your head again today. There is an answer coming. There is joy in the morning!

God is in control!

The journey began during November of 2015. We were coming up on our 2nd anniversary, the point we had already decided would be when we started trying for a baby. We had enjoyed 2 years of each other, 2 wonderful years of travel, fun, dates, and doing whatever, whenever we wanted. Now we felt ready for the next adventure together… PARENTHOOD.

From November of 2015 until March of 2017, we simply asked God and kept waiting. There were times when all of our attention, focus, and emotion was so caught up in the fact that we were not pregnant that depression would take over our home. If you have never struggled to conceive, I am so thankful that you have not experienced the heartache, the frustration, or the fear that accompanies it.

During that timeframe, I visited a doctor and was told “Good luck! Maybe eventually you will conceive!” I was so disheartened by this seemingly hopeless situation.

In March, a minister friend stayed in our home for a couple of nights. At the end of his stay, we shared with him the struggle we were having, and he spoke the word of faith and healing into us. “God is in control of this. Don’t beg him for it anymore. This is the last time we are going to ask Him, and from here on we are just going to trust Him to give us a child when He is ready.” We felt so much strength and virtue in the prayer that followed that we felt for sure that God would be ready very soon!

Another six months slipped by, and I began to worry that there was something bigger going on. After much prayer and counsel, I went back to the doctor (a different one) and was sent for bloodwork. In November of 2017 I was diagnosed with PCOS. A lifelong disorder for which there is no cure. I had almost none of the “symptoms” that would ordinarily clue you in on the diagnosis. I was shocked, hurting, and a little scared for what my future would hold.

That diagnosis changed my life. I was prescribed and began to take medication 3 times a day. I found through research and a friend that a vegan diet helped this condition, so I went back to being a vegan. Rick stood by my side during all of it. He even ate vegan dinners with no complaint.

January of 2018 came and I found myself completely focused on the lifestyle changes I had implemented. It took a full week for me to realize that I had been nauseous every day and even gotten sick a couple of times. Incredulously, I ordered pregnancy tests. I had had so many negative ones that I really wasn’t expecting anything different.

Early in the morning, I got my first positive test. I felt like time stopped in that moment. I stopped being able to breathe normally. I stumbled to the door and opened it. “It’s positive!” I panted to my half-awake husband. “We’re pregnant!” The joy that filled us both in that moment could never be accurately expressed. You wait so long for something and then it finally happens. We didn’t really know what to do, except hold each other and cry the happiest tears imaginable.

We decided not to wait too long to tell our family, especially since I didn’t know how long I would be able to keep my joy contained. We shared our news on January 14, and our family rejoiced with us.

For one glorious week I woke up every morning and went to bed every night talking to the little unborn child inside of me. Nothing mattered more than the little life inside of me. My world was exactly what I had wanted it to be for so long. Finally experiencing it was the most wonderful experience of my life so far.

I was scheduled to teach the next Sunday (January 21) and as I studied and wrote the lesson, God spoke to me to teach on “Standing on His Promises.” I woke up that Sunday morning, and my worst fears materialized. I was spotting. Immediately, I began to research causes of this new development online. They all said the same thing. “It’s normal. Don’t jump to conclusions. Everything is probably fine.” I tried to ignore my fears as we headed off to church.

I began my lesson and got about half-way through. I was teaching on rejoicing over the fulfillment of God’s promises before it even happens. Talking about our future children, I said, “Rick and I have danced in this altar over a promise that we have yet to see fulfilled.” 

In that exact moment, God spoke to me very clearly and simply said, “I’m going to take this baby from you.” My heart shattered. My throat closed up, my eyes began to fill with tears, and I had to quickly compose myself in order to keep teaching. I finished my lesson and went down to my office, “Surely not, God. Surely I heard you wrong.”

But I hadn’t. The next morning found the bleeding heavier and my fears deeper. I scheduled an appointment for that afternoon and headed back to the doctor.

“It’s too early to tell,” she concluded. “You’re not having the back and shoulder pain typically associated with miscarriage. Just wait a couple days and see what happens. You had a blood clot on your ultrasound, so maybe it’s just releasing and that’s all it is.”

Hope filled me again, and I sent out a faith filled “All is well!” to my parents. I was right. All is well…because God is sovereign.

What happened that night was one of the deepest levels of pain I have ever experienced. I think I could have handled it if it had just been physical pain, but it was more than that. Not only was my sweet baby being ripped away, but the fulfillment of my promise, the answer to over 2 years of praying and trying, and the joy that I had felt over the last week and a half. All of it was being torn in that moment, and the pain was almost unbearable.

If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, you know exactly what I am talking about. What I experienced that night was one of the worst things that any pregnant mother can go through. The night was long, but the miracles were not over.

It was the worst moment, the climax of my baby’s passing, and I began to pray. “God, please just give me peace. Please let me know you are in control. Please give us peace. Please give us peace. Please give us peace.” I repeated the words through constricted throat. Haunting my mind were the pain-filled eyes of my husband in the next room. He didn’t deserve this. He was so faith-filled. He needed God right then as much as I did.

I can’t really explain what happened next, but I am so thankful that it happened. I have seen films and movies where there is an invisible force field that surrounds the base or home of the hero of the story. It keeps artillery and enemies out, and it keeps everyone inside of its invisible walls safe. 

That force field is what surrounded my home right in the worst moment of our miscarriage. Satan’s voice was banished from our home, my own human thoughts of “Why me? What did I do wrong? What is going on?” were sent away, and the incredible peace of God filled our home.

That night, in our weakest moment, we both at the same time experienced peace that passes all understanding. God’s words came back to me then. “I am taking this baby from you.” It was not for many weeks that I realized why He had warned me ahead of time. 

You see, God is sovereign. While He is our Father and kind and loving toward us, He is still God. We are still just His creation. However He chooses to do things is His business, not ours. However, He still loves us. I truly believe that He warned me before it happened so that I would know that the miscarriage didn’t happen because of anything that I had done wrong. He had decided, for whatever reason, to allow this story to be part of my life. God is sovereign, in control, and on the throne, no matter what.

I still trust Him. More than that, I still trust in His timing. I may not have my baby yet, but I choose to believe in my sovereign God. Have I gotten pregnant since the miscarriage? No. Will I have a baby this year? No. Do I know when it will happen? No. But I do know this: The same God that gave me that pregnancy, took it away, and sustained me with His incredible peace through it all, is the same God that will choose the exact moment when my child is conceived. He is in control, and I don’t have to concern myself with the “When” or “Why” of life. I simply trust Him and let Him do His work. I am standing on the promise of “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” I may not always see the path, but I trust that God is leading me down the right one day-by-day.

Whatever you are facing today, let my story encourage you to stand firm on the knowledge that God LOVES you and is doing what is BEST for you. We may not always see and understand, but it isn’t our job to see or understand. That’s His job. Our job is simply this: TRUST. Trust that He has a plan. Trust that that plan is for our good. Trust that He will complete it all. Let that trust be what carries you through the darkest moments and the brightest hours. Let that trust be strengthened by your circumstance.

To close with the words of Paul, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

With loving prayers for all whom this letter reaches, 

Ariqua