Why I Pray

Why I Pray

or

When God Doesn't Answer

Before you read any further I want to say 2 things: 1) I am not an expert on anything, much less living for God. I have been seeking God as an adult for only 4 years and every God-moment I had before that was simply His mercy made evident in my life. 2) This article was written with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. This article was written because I am having a hard time remembering this, not because I have it all figured out.

So, with that said...

Prayer is hard. Beyond the "getting yourself to do it" moments that accompany the first few weeks of setting up an every day prayer life, prayer is hard. Sometimes you feel like you are talking to the air, which is very hard to get through. What's worse though is feeling like you touched Heaven and God heard you, and then watching the situation you prayed about get even worse.

"But, God? We talked about this..."

Prayer is waiting...a lot of waiting. My Mom reminded me of it this week. How many times did David say something about "Waiting on God"? I kind of always thought that David was trying to say, "Don't get ahead of Him by trying to fix it yourself! See what He will do!" I never realized that he was saying, "There's nothing you can do. You just have to wait for God to do something about it."

Prayer takes faith. It takes faith to keep going and stay faithful, even when you aren't seeing the answer. It takes active faith to keep believing and saying "I know you are going to take care of this, God!" when you've been praying the same prayer for months on months and nothing is changing. Sometimes, I feel like my faith is even smaller than a mustard seed (maybe the size of a microscopic germ), because some days I just get so hung up on why God hasn't answered instead of believing that He will answer.

Prayer shows our trust. Prayer reminds us that we have given God control over this and that it doesn't matter what our eyes see, we have already placed this in His hands. It takes complete trust to not take it back from Him after we have left it in His care.

And, sometimes, prayer is the most rewarding thing I can do. Sometimes I feel Him so strong... Sometimes I know He's standing right there with me and I drop to my knees in humble adoration. Sometimes I have encouraging Scriptures pressed into my mind and I know He is speaking to me. Sometimes, He says, "This is why I can't give you that. You need to fix this." Sometimes He convicts me. Sometimes He just loves me. I keep praying for those moments. I keep going because I need that peace that only His Presence brings. I keep seeking God because, just like the apostles told Jesus, "Where else can I go? You alone have the words of life!"

I keep praying because my germ-sized faith is just big enough to say, "Ok, God. I have no idea what you are doing, but I still trust you. It's Your breath in my lungs, so I will keep pouring out my praise." I keep praying because I don't know what else to do. I keep praying because there IS nothing else I can do. I keep praying because somewhere deep inside of me, I believe that God notices.

I have asked God, "Is there something inside of me that is keeping You from working?" He doesn't answer. I have asked Him, "Is there something you want me to do for you that I am not doing? Is that why you are not answering?" He doesn't answer. I have asked Him, "Are you not answering in order to keep me from something that would draw me off of Your path?" He doesn't answer.

Yet I keep going. I keep asking. I keep reaching. I keep finding Him. I keep seeking His face. I keep pushing my way past the doubt and fear, the anger and frustration, the helplessness and pain, until I finally find His sweet presence. It is there that I remember this, "I need you, God. Even if your presence is all I ever have, I will still come and find you. I can't live my life without you. I love you."

So, I keep praying.