Overcoming the Fear of Abandonment & Rejection

“What are you afraid of?”

Most people answer with either spiders, snakes, or heights. But I am not afraid of those things (although snakes do make me nervous!).

I am afraid of abandonment and rejection.

Or, I should say, I am working to be completely free of my fear of abandonment and rejection.

I began the healing of this condition when my therapist suggested I read “Help me Heal” by Lynda Allison Doty. That added a prayer to my life that started me on my journey, “God, help me heal.”

I know it’s a simple prayer, but I think the best ones are. It was heartfelt and a reminder every day that I needed help and that my goal was healing. This prayer helped me to frame every interaction and experience of the day as an invitation response from God to help me heal.

When I was left standing in line for too long waiting for customer service? Maybe this is God helping me heal. He’s giving me a chance to rewire my brain away from angry or annoyed reaction and to a gentle response.

Or really any other situation in my life.

I had already read Craig Groeschel’s, “Winning the War in Your Mind” which alerted me to the possibility of creating new “trenches” or neural pathway responses to feelings and situations. I knew I could rewire my brain (which was literally a lightbulb or head explode moment for me). With the introduction of this prayer, “God, help me heal,” I began to see situations as a God-given opportunity to work on changing my wired responses.

After I read “Help me Heal,” my therapist pointed me to another author, Sandra Wilson. I bought up all of her books that I could find, and, as if by Divine Order, ended up with a book called “Into Abba’s Arms”. This book taught me that I could HEAR BACK from God when I pray. It gave me some direction on “listening prayer” or taking quiet time in prayer to hear back from God. I had tried this before and always felt like what I heard was just my own thoughts. This book helped me to tune in better to the voice of God.

But it did something else too.

“Into Abba’s Arms” gave me a revelation that my fear of abandonment and rejection was rooted in a need to belong.

My fear of abandonment and rejection was exacerbated by the traumas I had endured and the lineage of my family tree, yes. But it was also inside of me because of the Fall of Man.

And there was only one cure. Abba’s arms.

The prayer she gave me resonated over and over through my mind, “Abba, I belong to You.”

Literally the same week that I read that book, my friend Jessica sent me a song. I cannot make up this timing. God literally was like, “Yes, that’s one piece, but here’s the other.” And provided me the song, “In the Room” by Maverick City Music.

Now, if you’re familiar with the live version of that song, you’ve heard Tasha Cobbs’ testimony given midway through. If you haven’t here’s the link, and her testimony starts at 6:35.

It’s a powerful story that I identified with at a very deep level. I wept in my car the first time I played it and then I skipped back to the beginning of her story and listened again.

But she gives a formula at the end that I IMMEDIATELY added to my daily prayer.

“I curse the spirit of rejection, and I receive the Spirit of adoption.” And she says she used that prayer to “walk out her deliverance” from depression and anxiety.

Her words resonated inside of me. I remember opening the notes app on my phone to write them down, but I added to them because of Wilson’s book and the book of Galatians where both of these ladies were drawing from:

“I curse the spirit of rejection, and I receive the Spirit of adoption. By it I cry, ‘Abba, I belong to You.’”

This prayer became my anthem, my rhema, my daily statement of dominion. These words spoken sometimes through tears, sometimes whispered, sometimes with confidence, were the pathway to the next place in my journey.

In this place, belonging took hold of my soul and fear of abandonment and rejection were stripped of their power.

“I’m not forsaken, never alone. The God of Heaven calls me His own. He’s not just seated upon His throne. I know He’s right here inside my home.”

They aren’t magic words. I also don’t think you have to pray these specific words to experience the deliverance that I have. But what I do know is these words expressed a prayer that I didn’t know how to form, but I desperately wanted answered.

“I have a treasure, here in my heart, and in my weakness it won’t depart. I have a Savior who will abide. He’s not just with me; He lives inside.”

I wanted freedom from my crippling fear of abandonment and rejection, and these words helped me to find it.

About 3 months or so after this revelation settled in my spirit, I got lax in praying it. It wasn’t an “as often” part of my prayer, and something strange began to happen.

Old fears began to raise their heads again.

“What if they don’t actual want you around?”
“What if they are talking about you behind your back?”
“What if he’s not happy with you anymore?”
“You’ll never actually fit in.”
"No one wants you, Ariqua."

I am ashamed to say that I let those awful thoughts and feelings RESIDE in me again for almost a month before Jesus brought me to another tool.

“You need to bid and rebuke in the name of Jesus any demon that will try to block your path or your way. It’s important to exercise your authority over the enemy on a consistent basis.” (Destroying the spirit of rejection – John Eckhardt - Bible App Plan)

What I hadn’t realized was that my daily recitation of that "Spirit of Adoption" prayer had been binding the actual demonic spirit that had attached itself to my life through my roots of rejection. I had let up praying my deliverance and that spirit of rejection had taken advantage by reasserting itself into my life.

Those thoughts were not just thoughts! They were attacks of the enemy that I had just been “putting up with” instead of fighting!

That revelation led me to Day 5 of the Bible App Plan “Spiritual Warfare 101” from Moody Publishers. (Really, all the days are phenomenal, but Day 5, from Dr. Karl Payne, put my prayer into words again, and I prayed it loud and hard!)

I FELT the shift inside of me as the demon of rejection was removed from my life again. I got off the floor and knew there had been a shift. And I determined to a.) not stop cursing the spirit of rejection and receiving Abba’s belonging into my daily life, and b.) stop putting up with demonic attacks on my mind that needed to just be dealt with and handled through spiritual warfare.

What happened was my threshold shifted. I got a little wiser, as the song says (Never Would Have Made It - Marvin Sapp). I became more aware of my own thoughts and now I realize sooner when I am under attack. There’s a giant, red, flashing button in my mind, and when those thoughts are showing up over and over, that button starts flashing, “Hey! You don’t have to take this lying down! You have authority in Jesus’ name!”

I encourage you to take authority and dominion over the spirit of rejection!

Confess to God – whatever it was that gave the enemy permission to enter your life in the first place. (Sin, Occult, Unforgiveness, Lies we believe, Lineage) Repent of it. This binds the enemy's power.

Cancel – Choose to forgive, repent, or renounce in order to loose yourself from whatever claim the enemy has on you.

Command – This is the eviction process. 

“In the name of Jesus, I command every spirit that has taken advantage of my sin to leave.
I bind you together as one and I command that you all leave as one with no one left behind.
I command you to take all of your works and effects with you.
I command you to tear down and take with you every piece of the stronghold you have built in my life.
Take every effect of your stronghold with you – every attitude, every fear, every auto-response, every behavior, and every mindset.
I command that no spirits will replace the ones who are leaving and that you will truly leave and go where the Lord Jesus sends you.
No hiding allowed.
By the name of Jesus and the victory of His precious blood, I have authority over you and I command you to go.”

If you’re dealing with fear abandonment and rejection, I encourage you to get your reasons out in the open with a professionally trained person (not a “regular person” who cannot handle the weight of your burden). I encourage you to begin to pray, “God, help me heal” every day. I encourage you to spend time in listening prayer in Abba’s arms, allowing Him to change you with his belonging love. I encourage you to engage in spiritual warfare with the spirit that has attached itself to you. I encourage you to find and walk in victory.

Please try it.

Walk in freedom from fear in Jesus’ name.

The Old Rugged Cross

As I read through the last days of Jesus as recorded in the book of Matthew this morning, two verses stuck out and a soft word began to form in my mind. This is my endeavor to dig out that word and bring it to light this morning. Speak, Lord.

Matthew 26:56b: “Then all the disciples deserted him and fled.”

Matthew 27:32: “As they were going out, they met a man from Cyrene, named Simon, and they forced him to carry the cross.”

This painful moment for Jesus was also an incredibly lonely one. The men he had invested so much time and teaching into had disappeared in fear in the most crucial moment. Now, I know that response was God-ordained, but it still struck me that it says they ‘deserted him.’ Imagine that crushing betrayal of watching them run in fear and leave you behind to handle things. It must have added to the hopelessness of the moment, and perhaps is why in the verses preceding chapters he needed to go off and pray alone, reaching that crucial decision that all of us must make in privacy, “Nevertheless, not my will but thine be done.” He needed that decision, made alone, to fuel the fight he was about to endure alone.

Then, we see that a few of the disciples were at least around during the court proceedings after this. Peter is mentioned when he denies Him, and Judas’ guilt suggests he watched the trial before the Sanhedrin. In John’s accounting, he shares that he also was there and able to watch some of the proceedings as well.

The only interaction between Jesus and the disciples during the trials that’s recorded is when the rooster crowed the third time, Jesus turned and made eye contact with Peter. Imagine… Knowing that you are truly alone in that moment, then knowing you have been betrayed three times. How lonely he must have felt.

Abandoned and deserted, Jesus then endures the stress of the trial before Pilate, the shame of hearing the crowd of fellow Israelites that he had loved and ministered to for 3 years crying ‘Crucify Him,’ and the ridicule of the soldiers and brutality at their hands. As he started the journey to the hill Golgotha, he must have felt completely wiped out and broken. The stress on his body, the loss of blood, the emotional anguish of betrayal…

Maybe this is why the soldiers found someone to carry the cross? Or maybe it was customary? I’m not sure, but I do know “they met a man” and “forced him” to carry the cross. It was not planned in advance. They simply grabbed someone and forced him, which implies he refused to do it initially and had to be coerced into obedience.

What struck me as I read through this accounting was this, “It shouldn’t have been Simon from Cyrene. It should have been Simon Peter who was standing close by and begged to take the cross off His Master’s shoulders. It should have been Simon the Zealot wanting to protect His Master in the only way available: by carrying the cross up the hill. They should have been waiting anxiously for him to emerge from the Praetorium. And when they saw his condition and how he had been brutally beaten by the Roman guards, they should have been doing anything and everything they could to help, including carrying the cross. In fact, it was to these two Simons that Jesus had said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.” (Matthew 16:24). And a second time in Matthew 10:38, “Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me.”

Simon from Cyrene was not there for these instructions! As far as we can tell, he was a stranger to Jesus’ teaching. So why is it a stranger who is being forced to carry the cross? Why are his true disciples not there?

I began to imagine times in my life when I have felt completely abandoned and alone. I could never compare those times to the sacrifice and weight of Jesus’ crucifixion, and that is not my goal here. I do, however, remember that in my moments of betrayal when the people I loved the most and had invested in the most seemed to turn their backs on me, I found strangers beside me carrying my cross.

Even in the moments when I was “most alone”, I had God-given help to carry on. Others that I was not expecting came beside me for a season and helped me carry what I was going through.

Yet, we read that Simon the Cyrene was forced to carry the cross. He did not willingly come alongside a Jewish brother in need. He was made to do it.

He was made to do it… He was made to do it…

God had placed him right there in that moment to carry a cross. All of his decisions that day, or even from before that, led him to be standing right in that spot, ready to carry the cross.

And I suddenly felt the Spirit say to me, “You are made to carry my cross, even if you don’t know it yet.”

I imagine Simon the Cyrene did not know Jesus, or maybe he did! Maybe he was part of that crowd yelling for crucifixion! Maybe he was there because he hated Jesus and wanted to see him die, and maybe that is why he had to be forced by the guards into helping Him.

But imagine… Imagine how it felt to be that close to your Savior and not even know it. To be forced to carry His cross, and you do not want to. You have no love for him or desire to help him, but you are forced to carry His cross.

Jesus is saying, “I am using you in this way, because someday this moment may be precious to you. Someday this gift you are giving to me may mean something to you. You may choose to do this willingly someday. You may choose to be my disciple. This is a gift, even if you do not know it. Come alongside me and do the work of salvation, even though it seems repugnant to you now. You are blessed to be involved in this, and you don’t even know it! You are blessed to be remembered in this way, and you had to be forced into it.”

I imagine Simon from Cyrene represented Paul, C.S. Lewis, and the hundreds of other skeptics who have stood against the Messiah, been forced to interact with him, and found the cross to be a joyous burden to carry. What a gift to carry the cross!

Jesus, it is a gift to carry your cross. Thank you for giving me that opportunity before I knew what a gift it was.

I am reminded of a story my childhood pastor told during a sermon. I will never forget this Sunday night message and watching my pastor act out this principle. It has guided me and been a comfort to me many times.

My pastor was an older man, and to my young mind he seemed ancient at times. It was hard to watch him act this out because I was concerned for his safety. I couldn’t tear my eyes off him as he illustrated his words, and perhaps that was his intention.

“When we come to Jesus, we must carry a cross.”

Here, my pastor bent and shouldered a full-size cross, the one we used for our Messiah drama every Easter. It was carried in that production by a young man, half of my pastor’s age.

My childhood heart longed for someone younger to act out the illustration. I didn’t want my pastor to carry what I assumed was such a heavy object on his back.

“The cross is heavy and bothersome at times. It gets in the way and requires our effort. It keeps our thoughts occupied and we must balance everything else against the weight of the cross.”

Here, he began to climb up the choir loft steps. As a child, these steps seemed so high and steep. I had been up there for children’s dramas before and had felt dizzy as I looked down at the ground below me. Surely, it was not safe for my pastor to climb those steps! Especially not while carrying that heavy cross!

“The cross seems to make the journey slow, and we must grow our strength to be able to carry it. Our climb through life is harder because of the cross!”

He climbed slowly as he spoke, pausing to breathe and rest after 3-4 steps. At the top of the loft were two changing rooms for the baptismal area that was centered in the loft. He opened the door of one of the doors as he reached the top.

“This cross is not just heavy. It is also large and bulky. It keeps me from going to some places. It keeps me from going through some doors.”

He attempted to walk through the 7-foot doorway as he spoke, but the large cross, carried on his back, caught in the doorway and stopped him.

“This cross is heavy. It’s bulky. It’s stopping me from what I want to do. Maybe it’s not important at all and I should just put it down.”

Here he set the large cross down. He went through the door that he had been trying to go through before, and as we knew he would, he ended up in view again, standing above the baptismal tank.

“Look!” he cried out to us with passion. “I am now in a dangerous place. I have wandered without the cross into a place that I can fall from. If I had just trusted the cross and kept it on my shoulders, I would not be in such a precarious position right now. It would have kept me from this! It would have kept me on the path Jesus had for me! It would have kept me out of this trouble, but I set down the cross because it was heavy. I set it down because it was bulky. I set it down because it wouldn’t let me do what I wanted to do. That cross was important, and I should have loved it! I shouldn’t have hated it! I shouldn’t have despised it and wanted to put it down as quickly as possible. That cross was my safety and my direction! It was my compass and protection! Why did I ever set down that old rugged cross!”

This passionate speech, given, what seemed to me from several yards below, right on the edge of that tank took my breath. I watched him preach and tears came to my eyes. Would my pastor fall? Would he be ok?

“I must go back to get my cross! I must find my cross and carry it!”

I remember the relief I felt as he turned away from that open tank and came back out the small door to his cross.

“Hear me!” he continued to preach. “You may feel right now like your walk with Jesus is restrictive and too heavy, but, friend, you will reach a day when you will regret setting it down. Love that cross! Love that cross! It is your protection! It is your safety!”

He came down the stairs as he spoke and, though I was just a child and could not understand the true weight of what he was preaching, I cried as his words cut deep into my heart. Even now, some 20 years later, his words still ring in the ears of my heart. I understand them more now than I did then, and this precious direction is more important to me than ever.

The cross gets the heaviest when we begin to despise it. When the path we want to walk becomes more important than the cross we carry, we have taken the full load of that cross onto our own back.

Jesus has said that “His yoke is easy and his burden is light”, and when our eyes are focused on Him and the wonder of His love, we find that to be very true. But when we shift our eyes to the things we want on the timeline we want them, we begin to feel the weight of that cross. We no longer focus on His love and the light burden he asks us to carry. We focus on how heavy it is to not be able to go and do what we feel is best right then.

I am guilty of this, Jesus. I have been swayed in my mind and frustrated when the path I want to walk seems to be inaccessible because of the cross I carry. Jesus, help me to remember your way is perfect. Help me to love that cross! Help me to trust that cross!

I remember another story that I heard, although I do not remember where. In this story, a young Christian is carrying his cross, and he begins to complain that it is too heavy. So the Lord provides him with a smaller one. He continues his way, but soon begins to complain again, “Lord, this cross is still too heavy!” So, the Lord gives him a smaller cross. This pacifies the Christian for a while, but soon he comes to a mountain that needs climbed. He turns to Heaven in frustration again.

“Lord, what I really need is something very light that I can just keep in my pocket. That way I am not hampered by this cross and I have my hands free to climb this mountain.”

The Lord gives him a very small cross and he continues on his journey. He climbs as far as he can, but soon he reaches a chasm between the great rocks of the mountains that he cannot cross. He sits to ponder the situation, and as he ponders, he sees an older Christian coming up the trail behind him.

This older Christian is still carrying the full cross that he was given in the beginning. “My word,” cries the young Christian, “What a shame to see this older man carrying such a heavy weight. He would climb so much better without it.”

The older Christian comes to where the young Christian is. He greets him, then turns to face the chasm ahead. He does not stop, hesitate, or ponder. He simply takes the cross off his shoulder and lays it across the chasm. End to end, the cross forms a bridge from one place to the next. The older Christian leaves behind the younger Christian, regathers his cross on the other side, and continues his climb up the mountain, cross still firmly carried on his back.

The old rugged cross… It protects me. And, yes, it helps me. There are benefits to carrying the cross. There are places in life I can only get to by the help of the cross.

It carries me forward into new heights. The cross takes me where Jesus is calling me, closer to Heaven. I climb with the cross on my back and this song in my heart:

“On a hill, far away, stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
And I love that old Cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain
So I'll cherish the old rugged Cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged Cross
And exchange it some day for a crown.”

In my mind’s eye, I see Simon of Cyrene carrying it up that hill.
“Oh, Simon!” My heart cries out to him, “What an honor! Love that cross!”

And I turn and see myself. I see the cross Jesus has asked me to carry.
“Oh, Ariqua… What an honor. Love that cross.”

Grace vs. Bitterness

The story of the Exodus from Egypt is one of the most powerful stories in the Bible. We watch an Almighty God do something that human culture said could never be done. God freed His people from slavery without them having to fight a battle. There was no stand-off. There was no big war. There was no fight. It was simply God fighting for the freedom of His people in a way that only God could. He did more than set His people free; He also proved to the polytheistic Egyptian culture that there is only One God. Each plague was designed to challenge and then belittle each of the main Egyptian gods of the time.  He sent such a powerful message that Pharaoh finally relented and released thousands slaves to go and be completely free from their masters. It was an incredible deliverance, and it fully showcased the delivering power of God.

However, there is a little note in the middle of all of this that I find incredibly interesting. In Exodus 8:22 it says, "‘But on that day I will deal differently with the land of Goshen, where my people live; no swarms of flies will be there, so that you will know that I, the Lord, am in this land.'" This is the first notation that the plague would not affect the Israelites. This makes me think that it is possible that God's people had been affected by the plagues up until this point. The power of God negatively affecting His own people? Why? Why were they not protected from these things?

Now, imagine that you are standing at the edge of that great Red Sea. You have just watched all of your friends and family come through that great divide of waters. You are standing free on the other side. The freedom dance is going through the ranks, but you're not dancing. You're standing there staring and wondering, "Why? Why did 400 years pass before God did this? Why did my little brother(s) have to be thrown into the Nile? Why did my father die because he couldn't physically handle the strain of slavery? Why did God not care then?"

It is so easy to point fingers at the children of Israel in the book of Exodus. We call them whiners and complainers. We say, "How could they not have faith?!" But today I ask you, given the same situation would you have had faith? Do we not do the same? Do we not look at the experiences of our life, or even the world as a whole, and get caught in the trap of "Why would a good God, who supposedly cares about me, allow ______."

These are the thoughts that must have been in their minds because the very first thing they faced after they crossed the sea was a place called "Marah." God saw the bitterness in their hearts. He saw that it would destroy them if they didn't deal with that first. He wanted to help them be free of it because He knew the damage it would do if they didn't get rid of it. 

We find this word again in Ruth 1:20, and it has an eerily similar context. Here is a daughter of Israel who was not spared from a horrible famine. She chose to take matters into her own hands and take her family place where there was bread. While there, she lost her husband and sons. When she came home, she had lost her home and lands. She left full and returned empty. She saw all the pain that she had gone through and said: 

 "Call me Mara"

Label me 'Bitterness', because that is all that God has for me. Pain. Hurt. Fear. Anxiety. That is all I have ever gotten from God. You may as well call me what I am. Bitter.

She found herself hopeless and in need. She had been in that place before. She comes across as "used to" having nothing. Her attitude is almost a resigned "It's never going to get better anyway. God just hates me, apparently." But something affected her and helped her change.

You see, there is an antidote to bitterness. It's called Grace. Grace is what causes you to stop in your tracks, mouth open, incredulous. "You value me like that? No one has ever cared about me that way. No one has ever loved me. Why would you do this?" That's what Boaz and Ruth did for this lady.

The "Mara" we meet in Ruth 1 has completely disappeared by Ruth 4. She is, instead, replaced with a woman so full of love that she cares for a baby she has no physical relation to as if he is her own son. Grace changed a woman of bitterness into a woman of love. Grace changed a woman with walls so high she didn't want her old friends to talk to her, to a woman who had a close "family" filled with people who simply cared about her. She learned to love again because of Grace. She learned to praise again because of Grace. She learned to trust again because of Grace. Our last picture of this self-professed woman of bitterness is her with her hands raised in thanks to God. Grace conquered bitterness.

From Naomi's story we see that bitterness-fighting grace can come from God and others. It can be shown to us by our family, our friends, complete strangers, and Christians. It is of course given to us by God, but sometimes He uses the hands of those around us to show it. This means that when it comes time for us to show grace to someone, we need to do so. We are most likely the vessel that God is using to pour grace into their life and draw them to Him.

We can nod our heads to that and say, “Yes, I need to show grace to people.” But then we forget that we ourselves are people. Have you shown grace to yourself? Have you decided to stop holding yourself to an impossible standard. To let yourself make mistakes and learn from them? Self-grace mixed with God-grace deletes bitterness. Not without the work of God can we be free from bitterness, but not without the work of ourselves can we be free from bitterness.

I recently read an incredible analogy from a devotion called “Winning the War in Your Mind.” I would like to share an excerpt of it here:

Let’s say you hate an ugly tree in your yard. You want that tree gone. Finally, you decide the time has come to take care of the problem. So you march into your yard with a small handsaw. You pick an ugly branch and cut it off the tree. You smile and walk back into the house, triumphantly singing. The next day you are shocked to see that the tree is still standing strong. As you stare out the window, you could almost swear it’s smirking at you.

I know. The analogy is absurd. You would never try to kill a tree by just removing a branch. Because the branch obviously isn’t the problem. The tree is the problem. Actually, the root system of the tree is the main culprit. If you don’t remove the root system when you cut down the tree, it could still grow back.

Hebrews 12:15 says this: “ See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Wait.... you mean that the grace of God isn’t enough? That’s not what it says. It says that you can “fall short” of the grace of God because of a root of bitterness inside. It will cause trouble for yourself and for others to have that root buried, undisturbed, in your heart. I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in challenging the power of the grace of God in my life. I am not interested in losing Grace because of Bitterness. If I have to choose Bitterness or Grace, I am choosing Grace.

Bitterness is a hard master. We look at those children of Israel and we say, “Man. They had a reason to be angry.” Yes, they did. And you know what? You and I can say that about ourselves. But is it worth it to be angry? Is it worth it to live every day in a cage of bitterness? What are we gaining by it? Division in our family. Frustration at work. Trouble for myself. Defiling of others. That doesn’t sound very good to me.... but what other option is there?

Do you want to be free of bitterness? Do what Moses did... Rip out the tree. Roots and all. (Exodus 15:25) The roots are your thoughts. Let grace cover your thoughts. Choose to be renewed in your mind every day. Challenge thoughts of bitterness by making them view the grace of God. When we do this, “Why am I _______, God? I’ve served for so many years. I’ve never walked away from you! Why is this happening to me?” Becomes “The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart hopes in Him and he helps me. My heart will leap for joy. With my song I will praise Him.” 

Change your thoughts, change your words. Change your words, change your actions. Change your actions, change your future. Through the grace of God we have the power to be free from ANY root of bitterness. We can have a renewed mind, one that isn't affected by thoughts distorted by pain or bitterness. We can be truly free. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.

The best part of this whole exchange isn’t just the difference in our minds... it is the promise that came IMMEDIATELY after Moses ripped out the tree.... And what was God’s response? “He said, “I am the Lord, who heals you.”” (Exodus 15:26) What is waiting on the other side of this exchange? It is not just a pretending the problem never happened or that the pain wasn’t there. It is not just putting a Band-Aid over the hurt and pushing it way down so that you don’t feel it any more...

IT IS HEALED.

God takes the root of bitterness you give Him and he replaces it with healing. Do you want to be free? Rip out the root. Do you want to be healed? Rip out the root. Do you want to stop struggling with depression from the very real pain in your life? Change your thoughts to God-thoughts and rip out the root! Let the grace of God cover you. Let the grace of a church family help you. Have grace with yourself to just get up and try again every single day. You can be free and you WILL be healed.

Miracles Still Happen

2018 didn't start out as a year of miracles. If you had told me on January 23, 2018, that I would be celebrating all of the miracles God has given me this year, I would have laughed at you.

The year started with great loss, great pain, and even greater fear. I am so thankful, though, that despite all of the darkness, a Light called Hope shone brighter than everything else around me.

The tradition of sending Christmas cards has always been one of my favorites. Not many people do it anymore, but the ones that do still get hung around the entrance way of my house. To me, a Christmas card says, "I'm ending this year positive. I have my family and friends. God has been good to me."

To me, it is more than just a simple "Wishing you a Merry Christmas"; it is a reminder that the year has been a blessed one and that there is joy ahead as well.

This year there isn't a picture in our Christmas card. There isn't a long letter telling all of the things that happened over the last 365 days. There isn't a list of achievements or struggles. It's simply signed: "Rick, Ariqua, and Liam" and that says it all.

Christmas has been called the "Season of Miracles" and I agree with that! I think every day is a season of miracles. If you open your eyes and look, there are miracles all around you.

Here are the big ones I am especially thankful for this year:
We still have Mom Gilliss because of a miracle.
Rick has a new job because of a miracle.
Liam grows within me because of a miracle.
All of my sisters (and my mom!!) were at my baby shower because of a miracle.

Then there are other things:
Every morning I wake up. That is a miracle.
I reach out and grab the hand of my husband who has loved me and supported me through thick and thin for more than 5 years. That is a miracle.
I move both our hands to my still-growing stomach, and we feel the kicks of our healthy, developing baby boy inside of me. That is a miracle.
I have the strength to stand up, start my day, go to work, and take care of my home. That is a miracle.

What a blessed year 2018 has been. The same God Who has been faithful and true through the last 365 days will continue to be faithful and true through 2019. We keep our hope in Him because He is the only Light we can hold onto.

Whatever miracles you are celebrating this year, big or small, are important. Take a moment to reflect today and to give God praise for being with you and for His incredible miracles. Then, start 2019 knowing that miracles still happen!

Joy in the Morning

“For we walk by faith and not by sight.”

If a sentence could sum up the Christian life, it would be that one. Nearly everything about living in Christ is founded on faith and not sight. Believing He created the world. Believing He really came and gave Himself for us. Believing His blood really covers our sins. Believing He loves us and is making us into new creatures every day.

It is very rare that we get to see farther down the path, closer to our destination. Most of our walk seems to be done at night with only the light around our feet for a guide. However, faith keeps us straining our eyes at the darkness, believing we see the pinpricks of stars peeking through. We can see the answer with our eyes of faith before we ever see it with our physical eyes.

I wrote a blog post about peace a couple of months ago. The focus was the miscarriage my husband and I went through after over 2 years of trying to conceive our baby. That blog post changed my life. It was incredible to hear so many people respond with “I went through that too, but was never able to say anything” or “If you can find peace in that, I know God will give me peace too.”

For a moment after I wrote that, I felt like my faith eyes were 20-20. I could see God using my pain to paint a picture of healing. I knew all would be well. About 2 weeks later though, the darkness closed in again and I was left swimming in the most intense depression I have yet faced. April was slipping by and May was coming.... and with it, Mother’s Day loomed. How are you supposed to celebrate Mother’s Day when your womb is empty and God isn’t giving you your miracle?

We attended District Conference and heard a sermon by Pastor Andrus on walking in faith by “preparing the room”. He used my favorite Bible story, the Shunamite woman and her powerful, “It shall be well.”

On the way home, Rick commented that we needed to take that phrase literally and begin to prepare our nursery. We ordered the crib, bought the crib set, and set it all up.

Seeing the room that way made me feel emptier than ever. The depression worsened, leaving me sobbing in the nursery, gripping that crib and spiraling deeper into that darkness. Satan began to whisper, “You liar. You wrote about God giving you peace, but look at you now. You have no peace. There’s only darkness in you.” In moments of grace, God would lift my head and I would cry out again, “Even if the healing never comes, He’s still a good God.”

When Mother’s Day came, I determined to make it through without anyone feeling sorry for me. “No tears,” I promised myself. I did fine until about 9 that night, and then I couldn’t do anymore. The tears fell like rivers down my face. Others had their miracle, where was mine? Why didn’t I deserve to be a mother? Why had God given me my miracle and then snatched it away from me? Why was I still empty?

I am so thankful that when I am weak, He is strong. When my faith is gone, He draws me to find solace under His wings. He bore me up that night and the depression finally broke. On the hardest weekend of my life so far, God’s grace broke through and shone brighter than ever. I slept soundly that night and dreamt of my promised little one again.

Two weeks later, on a whim, I took a pregnancy test. Double pink lines greeted me. We were pregnant. Because of what we had experienced, it wasn’t just joy that filled my heart, but also dread. “God, I can’t make it through that again. Please don’t do that to me again.” God looked past my fears and doubts and allowed faith to bloom.

Weeks slipped by, morning sickness started and worsened. Fatigue took over my body. All of the things that we had missed out on before now became the norm. Hope built up inside of me and we began to share our news with close family and friends.

Week 7 passed. Then 8. Then 9. My ultrasound was set for my first day of week 10. We pulled into the parking lot of the same place we had gone last time. The place they had told me that there was no baby in me, just an empty sac that I would soon lose. The place where everything had fallen apart.

“Don’t park over there; we parked there last time.” Everything inside of me was full of fear. What if this was just like last time? What if there was nothing again? What if this was all fake? What if God made us go through another miscarriage?

We prayed in the lot and went inside. Within moments, we were in the room and the tech was walking us through the procedure.

“How many pregnancies is this for you?”

“Two,” I answered.

“Have you delivered?”

“No, we miscarried at 6 weeks in January.” Just saying the words brought back the fears. She could hear the brokenness in my voice and made her apologies.

She brought the camera down and there was our baby. Heart pumping, hands moving, body stretching, feet kicking. Perfection.

Throughout this journey, my faith eyes have been strong and then been weak. For many of us, we go through seasons of faith, sometimes within hours of each other. The man who came to Jesus said, “I believe. Help my unbelief.” How quickly our human emotions take us from faith to doubt. I’m so thankful that God remembers our frame and that we are only dust. He loves us so fully that He doesn’t withhold His blessings until we prove we are worthy. He showers us in them to prove that He is worthy.

As you rejoice with us over the next few months, I have a request. Please take a moment to reach out to anyone that you know of who is in a dark place. Remind them that the darker the night, the brighter His glory. For it is in the moments when we are in the nursery floor, gripping an empty crib, and begging God to answer, that the promise is already inside of us. Keep turning your eyes back to Him and let Him lift your head again today. There is an answer coming. There is joy in the morning!

God is in control!

The journey began during November of 2015. We were coming up on our 2nd anniversary, the point we had already decided would be when we started trying for a baby. We had enjoyed 2 years of each other, 2 wonderful years of travel, fun, dates, and doing whatever, whenever we wanted. Now we felt ready for the next adventure together… PARENTHOOD.

From November of 2015 until March of 2017, we simply asked God and kept waiting. There were times when all of our attention, focus, and emotion was so caught up in the fact that we were not pregnant that depression would take over our home. If you have never struggled to conceive, I am so thankful that you have not experienced the heartache, the frustration, or the fear that accompanies it.

During that timeframe, I visited a doctor and was told “Good luck! Maybe eventually you will conceive!” I was so disheartened by this seemingly hopeless situation.

In March, a minister friend stayed in our home for a couple of nights. At the end of his stay, we shared with him the struggle we were having, and he spoke the word of faith and healing into us. “God is in control of this. Don’t beg him for it anymore. This is the last time we are going to ask Him, and from here on we are just going to trust Him to give us a child when He is ready.” We felt so much strength and virtue in the prayer that followed that we felt for sure that God would be ready very soon!

Another six months slipped by, and I began to worry that there was something bigger going on. After much prayer and counsel, I went back to the doctor (a different one) and was sent for bloodwork. In November of 2017 I was diagnosed with PCOS. A lifelong disorder for which there is no cure. I had almost none of the “symptoms” that would ordinarily clue you in on the diagnosis. I was shocked, hurting, and a little scared for what my future would hold.

That diagnosis changed my life. I was prescribed and began to take medication 3 times a day. I found through research and a friend that a vegan diet helped this condition, so I went back to being a vegan. Rick stood by my side during all of it. He even ate vegan dinners with no complaint.

January of 2018 came and I found myself completely focused on the lifestyle changes I had implemented. It took a full week for me to realize that I had been nauseous every day and even gotten sick a couple of times. Incredulously, I ordered pregnancy tests. I had had so many negative ones that I really wasn’t expecting anything different.

Early in the morning, I got my first positive test. I felt like time stopped in that moment. I stopped being able to breathe normally. I stumbled to the door and opened it. “It’s positive!” I panted to my half-awake husband. “We’re pregnant!” The joy that filled us both in that moment could never be accurately expressed. You wait so long for something and then it finally happens. We didn’t really know what to do, except hold each other and cry the happiest tears imaginable.

We decided not to wait too long to tell our family, especially since I didn’t know how long I would be able to keep my joy contained. We shared our news on January 14, and our family rejoiced with us.

For one glorious week I woke up every morning and went to bed every night talking to the little unborn child inside of me. Nothing mattered more than the little life inside of me. My world was exactly what I had wanted it to be for so long. Finally experiencing it was the most wonderful experience of my life so far.

I was scheduled to teach the next Sunday (January 21) and as I studied and wrote the lesson, God spoke to me to teach on “Standing on His Promises.” I woke up that Sunday morning, and my worst fears materialized. I was spotting. Immediately, I began to research causes of this new development online. They all said the same thing. “It’s normal. Don’t jump to conclusions. Everything is probably fine.” I tried to ignore my fears as we headed off to church.

I began my lesson and got about half-way through. I was teaching on rejoicing over the fulfillment of God’s promises before it even happens. Talking about our future children, I said, “Rick and I have danced in this altar over a promise that we have yet to see fulfilled.” 

In that exact moment, God spoke to me very clearly and simply said, “I’m going to take this baby from you.” My heart shattered. My throat closed up, my eyes began to fill with tears, and I had to quickly compose myself in order to keep teaching. I finished my lesson and went down to my office, “Surely not, God. Surely I heard you wrong.”

But I hadn’t. The next morning found the bleeding heavier and my fears deeper. I scheduled an appointment for that afternoon and headed back to the doctor.

“It’s too early to tell,” she concluded. “You’re not having the back and shoulder pain typically associated with miscarriage. Just wait a couple days and see what happens. You had a blood clot on your ultrasound, so maybe it’s just releasing and that’s all it is.”

Hope filled me again, and I sent out a faith filled “All is well!” to my parents. I was right. All is well…because God is sovereign.

What happened that night was one of the deepest levels of pain I have ever experienced. I think I could have handled it if it had just been physical pain, but it was more than that. Not only was my sweet baby being ripped away, but the fulfillment of my promise, the answer to over 2 years of praying and trying, and the joy that I had felt over the last week and a half. All of it was being torn in that moment, and the pain was almost unbearable.

If you have ever experienced a miscarriage, you know exactly what I am talking about. What I experienced that night was one of the worst things that any pregnant mother can go through. The night was long, but the miracles were not over.

It was the worst moment, the climax of my baby’s passing, and I began to pray. “God, please just give me peace. Please let me know you are in control. Please give us peace. Please give us peace. Please give us peace.” I repeated the words through constricted throat. Haunting my mind were the pain-filled eyes of my husband in the next room. He didn’t deserve this. He was so faith-filled. He needed God right then as much as I did.

I can’t really explain what happened next, but I am so thankful that it happened. I have seen films and movies where there is an invisible force field that surrounds the base or home of the hero of the story. It keeps artillery and enemies out, and it keeps everyone inside of its invisible walls safe. 

That force field is what surrounded my home right in the worst moment of our miscarriage. Satan’s voice was banished from our home, my own human thoughts of “Why me? What did I do wrong? What is going on?” were sent away, and the incredible peace of God filled our home.

That night, in our weakest moment, we both at the same time experienced peace that passes all understanding. God’s words came back to me then. “I am taking this baby from you.” It was not for many weeks that I realized why He had warned me ahead of time. 

You see, God is sovereign. While He is our Father and kind and loving toward us, He is still God. We are still just His creation. However He chooses to do things is His business, not ours. However, He still loves us. I truly believe that He warned me before it happened so that I would know that the miscarriage didn’t happen because of anything that I had done wrong. He had decided, for whatever reason, to allow this story to be part of my life. God is sovereign, in control, and on the throne, no matter what.

I still trust Him. More than that, I still trust in His timing. I may not have my baby yet, but I choose to believe in my sovereign God. Have I gotten pregnant since the miscarriage? No. Will I have a baby this year? No. Do I know when it will happen? No. But I do know this: The same God that gave me that pregnancy, took it away, and sustained me with His incredible peace through it all, is the same God that will choose the exact moment when my child is conceived. He is in control, and I don’t have to concern myself with the “When” or “Why” of life. I simply trust Him and let Him do His work. I am standing on the promise of “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” I may not always see the path, but I trust that God is leading me down the right one day-by-day.

Whatever you are facing today, let my story encourage you to stand firm on the knowledge that God LOVES you and is doing what is BEST for you. We may not always see and understand, but it isn’t our job to see or understand. That’s His job. Our job is simply this: TRUST. Trust that He has a plan. Trust that that plan is for our good. Trust that He will complete it all. Let that trust be what carries you through the darkest moments and the brightest hours. Let that trust be strengthened by your circumstance.

To close with the words of Paul, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

With loving prayers for all whom this letter reaches, 

Ariqua

The Book of James

Reading the book of James is a little like listening to a sermon with multiple points and no outline. Trying to read it directly after reading Paul's very organized epistles is almost frustrating for me. Nevertheless, each point in the book is powerful and there are key lessons to be learned from this very short New Testament epistle. I have chosen one point from each chapter to focus on for this blog post. Doing this was difficult as there are many verses that beg to be shared. Here are the verses I have chosen:

James 1:2-4: "My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing."

There is nothing more humbling than being tempted. Sometimes, I feel so guilty after facing temptation, even if I did not give into it. It is interesting to me that Satan will bring a spirit of condemnation, even if I did not give into his ploy. Temptation is a great struggle for Christians. We face it just as every other human. We are forced to make choices between right and wrong. We are forced to decide if we will tell the truth or lie. We are forced to decided if we will love or hate. Being a Christian doesn't take away your choices; it doesn't mean you make the right choice every time.

When I read this verse, it makes me ask myself, "How does temptation teach me patience?" I think there are probably several ways, but the first thing that comes to my mind is that it teaches me patience for myself. Temptation forces me to stop holding myself to perfection that I haven't achieved. I am not saying that I face temptations that I am unable to fight (1 Cor. 10:13). I am saying that temptations teach me to have patience with my spiritual growth and to not expect everything to be perfect because I prayed today.

Another way temptation teaches us patience is by forcing us to put down our lust. You may want that position you are applying for TODAY, and maybe if you lied on your application, you could get it. That's a temptation. When we refuse to obey that lust, we force ourselves to wait for something we want "right now", which is patience. It gives God time to bring about his "perfect work" and to leave us "wanting nothing."

James 2:14-18: "What does it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, And one of you say unto them, "Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled;" notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doeth it profit? Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. Yea, a man may say, "Thou hast faith, and I have works: shew me thy faith without thy works, and I will shew thee my faith BY my works."

In chapter 2 we shift gears very rapidly. We go from discussing temptation to discussing faith and works. I love the way the passage above lays it out for us. Sometimes, it helps to just look at an example. When you read the passage above, you can see the ridiculousness of it. "Go! Be warm and filled!" and never give the pour soul a scrap of clothing or food. Remember that the outward expression of your faith in Jesus Christ is found in loving your neighbor as yourself. Would you let yourself go hungry? Would you let yourself be cold?

James 3:17: "But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy."

Chapter 3 changes gears again and talks about the tongue. It challenges us to refrain from complaining with the same mouth we use to bless God. It points out the hypocrisy of such actions. Then it finishes with the Scripture above. Do you want heavenly wisdom in your situation? Here's how:

Come to the situation with a pure heart. Give both sides the benefit of the doubt.

Next, be peaceable, gentle, and easily intreated as you handle the situation. Remember, you are not God. You are not "large and in charge." Your lack of self-pride shows Heavenly wisdom.

Finally, be full of mercy and good fruits, don't show partiality, and don't counsel others with hypocrisy. 

If we could remember this Scripture when a friend calls us for advice or to share a juicy piece of gossip, we would be much better off.

James 4:12: "There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?"

I chose this Scripture because it is one of the most over-used Scriptures of the Bible. Almost all groups who are living in sin misuse this Scripture and scream, "Don't judge me!" While I agree that this Scripture is telling us that we are not the ultimate say and that we do not decide who goes to Hell and who goes to Heaven, it must be used in conjunction with Scriptures that teach about certain lifestyles. You can grab this one Scripture and say, "Ha! Only God can judge me!" However, you neglect to notice the rest of the Bible where God states very clearly how He feels about sin. Remember, Hebrews 10:31: "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."

James 5:8: "Be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord draweth nigh."

Finally, I end with a Scripture that called to me as soon as I read it. I, like so many others, am looking at the world around me with apprehension and concern. I am concerned by this election. I am concerned by the state of many countries around the world. I am concerned about the frequent displays of violence and blatant division in our human race. I know that this means that the coming of the Lord is at hand, and that knowledge both fills me with excitement and dread.

As I study the signs, I must remember the Scripture above. "Stablish your hearts." Remember Who is in control and don't let fear influence your decisions. He is coming. He draweth nigh.

Are you ready?